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The Future Of The Catholic Church. April 20, 2008

Posted by littlebangtheory in Politics and Society.
Tags: ,

Pope Benedict’s current visit to the United States has been punctuated by huge masses attending Huge Masses.

Or something.

And an interesting and perplexing problem came to light:

In our Right Now Culture, how can we serve Holy Communion to 46,000 communicants in fifteen minutes?

Hey, Busy Day, Busy People, right?

And with the rise of Protestant Mega-Churches, and now that we’ve put that pesky pedophilia thing to bed, um, behind us, er… just let’s say we’re gonna have to figure out how to move those Communicants along.

Here’s one scenario which I believe might be explored:

(disembodied voice from speaker: )

Welcome to McEucharist’s®, may I take your order?

(Driver: )

Yes, we’ll have four Hosts, please.

Will those be Classics or Cheez-Hosts®?

Classics, thank you.

(muted whining from back seat.)

Make that two Classics and two Cheez-Hosts®.

That’s two Classics and two Cheez-Hosts®. Anything to drink with that?

Yes, we’ll have, um, two wines and two medium holy waters.

I’m sorry, the wines are only for our commune-in customers. State law.

(quick conference in car)

Make that three holy waters and a Papal Shake®.

That’s two Classic hosts, two Cheez-Hosts®, three medium holy waters and a Papal Shake®. Anything else today?

No, that’s it.

Your tithing will be ten percent of your weekly gross income, please pull forward to the first collection basket, and thank you for visiting McEucharist’s.


But… we tithed here yesterday, that would be twenty percent of our weekly gross income!

I’m sorry, but for your privacy, we don’t keep those records, except for the Fed… I mean, we don’t keep those records.

(muttered expletive deleted)

You know what, cancel the drive-through order, we’re coming in. If I’m gonna tithe another ten percent, I’m gonna have that God Damned glass of wine!

(tires squeal, fade to black.)