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The Rapture, Redux! May 20, 2011

Posted by littlebangtheory in Love and Death, Politics and Society.
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Here’s a little something I posted to this blog back in October 2007.  It seems appropriate to revive it now, in case any of you are planning on not being around after tomorrow evening’s Scheduled Big Event.

By the way, this isn’t quite exactly safe for work.  But then, nothing worth reading ever is, is it?

My apologies to those of you who read this back then and figure, despite the protestations of Jacqueline Susanne, that  “Once is indeed  enough!”



Prepare to be Raptured.

You know… Raptured. As in “Taken bodily up to heaven.” Zoomed right up, all naked and shit, ’cause you won’t need your clothes up there. It’s not too hot, not too cold, it’s just right!

Well, not all of you, of course. ‘Cause some of you been bad, real bad. And only Good People get Raptured up to heaven. True Believers and all. Says so in The Bible.

Well, not exactly in The Bible… but it’s in a book somewhere, so you know it’s true. In fact it’s in a BUNCH o’ books. At last count, well over sixty-five million of ’em. “Left Behind,**” they’re called.

(** At this point I should probably put a little “Parental Advisory” in here for those of you who are reading this at work. Especially if you have a Self-Loathing Full-Blown Bitch for a boss. The title of this post ought to give those of you who know me ample warning… scroll slowly, if you dare scroll at all! ‘Nuff Said.)

Now where was I… Oh yeah, 65,000,000 books, each likely purchased for a Good Christian Household, and since you know how those people are, we can safely multiply them books by, oh, about 8.2 kids per household, which brings us to, lemme see… five hundred thirty-three million people. Yup, five hundred thirty-three million people who, if they play their cards right, keep their pants on (’till they’re Raptured) and don’t talk to faggits, stand a pretty reasonable chance of getting Raptured up to Jesus, warts and all, but not with their clothes, because remember, they won’t need ’em.

Five Hundred Thirty-Five MILLION people, zoomin’ up to Heaven. Bet they’re gonna cast a shadow that’ll make your crops wilt!

And all of the Bad People will be left behind, just like the book title says. And all the Mother Rapers and the Father Stabbers and the Jews and the Faggits and the Lesbos and the Muslamofascists and the Filthy Hippies will be screamin’ and cryin’ and fightin’ over the Armani suits that the preachers in them Mega-Churches slithered out of on their way up to Heaven, and pickin’ up Gucci shoes and Rolex watches, which hopefully fell into the Gucci shoes when they greased off the Rapturin’ Preachers but probably didn’t because nobody who gets Left Behind is gonna be all that lucky, and they’ll be doin’ Gawd Awful things to each other and wishin’ to hell they’d kept their pants on and went to church a whole lot more.

And THAT’S what the stories in the “Left Behind” books are really about, the blood and guts, crash-and-burn part of the equation, ’cause you know, if they were about happy people floating around on clouds wearin’ nothin’ but shit-eatin’ grins, that would get boring real quick, and nobody would read ’em.

Plus, Good Christians aren’t into that peace crap. Peace is gay.


OK, so lets all try to turn off our Frontal Lobes for a minute here, suspend our disbelief, and buy into this Rapture scene. If you got Fox News at your house, turning it on kinda low in the background might help.

Now I’m lookin’ around (yeah, that’s right, ME. I’m still here, on accounta I’m a sinner. I’ve lied, I stole shit (once,) I coveted me some fine lookin’ little milfs, and if I stick aroung long enough I’ll probably covet me some gilfs, too! Hell, I even killed shit, if fish and frogs and flies count. And I can’t see how they wouldn’t.)

Hey, don’t look at me like that – you’re still here too!

So anyway, I’m lookin’ around, and besides YOU, I see most of my friends (awl riiiight!) and some hot lookin’ women I don’t know yet but you can bet I’m gonna, and there’s them Armani suits with the preachers still in ’em, and that Self-Loathing Bitch in the black dress with the front caved in, and she’s cryin’ ’cause she’s up to her flat ass in Birkenstocks and tie-died shirts that smell like B.O. and peasant skirts that smell like pussy and pachouli oil, ’cause all them mellowed-out squinty-eyed Peace-nik Hippies got Raptured and she didn’t, and my friends and me are tearin’ at the pile and findin’ all them cute little floral hippy backpacks and pullin’ out the bags of weed and the teakwood pipes and screamin’ and hootin’ and yellin’






1. susan - May 21, 2011

I’m still here so I guess it didn’t work this time either.

I enjoyed reading your essay. The problem with Rapturites is they have no vested interest in what is.

2. Paul in ABQ - May 21, 2011

Buddy, you post a pic like that and I’m breaking a commandment on the spot. Have pity, dude. (Your lucky lady.)

Exodus 20:17
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbour’s.

3. noodleepoodlee - May 21, 2011

Hey there, I’m still here too, but the word is that we won’t know until 6 pm. This version of the rapture thing works like rolling blackouts — whatever time zone you happen to live in, the magic hour is 6 pm. The staggered uplifting will help cut down on the massive shadow casting, so maybe God figures that seeing a bunch on nekkid fundies hoisting heavenward is enough punishment to kick off the tribulation. After all, according to Mr. Camping, we have 6 months of god-awfulness before we sinners are toast.

I’ve got a theory about Mr. Camping’s excuse for tomorrow when a bunch of pissed off and broke folks are asking WHAT HAPPENED? Last time he was wrong, he said he hadn’t done enough studying and calculating. I think he left off a x7 on the calculation(or 17, not sure and too lazy to go look it up right now.) This time, he’ll go with “I forgot to divide by infinity.” That one’s fool proof!

Found this about the “Left Behind” fictions the other day:
“Sixteen years after the publication of the first “Left Behind” novel, and with fresh memories of the earthquake, tsunami and near nuclear meltdown in Japan, the current flooding in the Midwest, raging drug wars in Mexico, and uncertainty of the outcomes of the Arab Spring uprisings, it is now apparently the perfect time for Tyndall House Publishers to announce the repackaging of the “Left Behind” books, its series of mega-best-selling apocalyptic novels.
Under the banner headline, “What if it happened today?, Tyndale House Publishers has just announced the repackaging of LaHaye and Jenkins’ wildly popular “Left Behind” series of apocalyptic novels.”

My questions, because you know I always have them, are: “If it happened today then how am I supposed to have time to read these suckers? Or do you need one as a ticket at the pearly gates? Is there a pop quiz to prove that you actually read the material?”

I seem to recall from my Sunday School classes that Jesus was bugger full of questions too, which didn’t make him very popular with the scribes and pharisees. Just another way I always ask: WWJD, or for my special version: WWB-KJD?

Thanks for the laugh!

And here’s a link to Blondie’s version of Rapture, if you’d like a little music for the Rapture day festivities. Unfortunately there is a COX commercial first.

4. noodleepoodlee - May 21, 2011

Oops! Didn’t know it was going to imbed like that. Hope I didn’t create a problem. Yikes. Jeez, I am a sinner.

5. littlebangtheory - May 22, 2011

Yes, You Bad – but You Still Here, which is a blessing for us Fellow Sinners! 🙂

And Paul, thanks for the quote; it says explicitly, “Thou shall not covet… thy neighbor’s ass,” couldn’t be clearer!

…but thanks for thinking about it anyway! 😆

6. Aden Moss - May 28, 2011

Great post and photos (I’ve been strolling through your blogs). I look forward to more.

7. littlebangtheory - May 28, 2011

Aden, welcome – it’s always good to meet new readers (and “lurkers.” too!)

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