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The Truth December 30, 2007

Posted by littlebangtheory in Love and Death.
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This feels like the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

In fact, as I write this, I don’t even know for certain that any of you good people will ever see it. I can’t say at this point if I’ll have the courage to hit “publish.” I guess we’ll see what comes out and how I’m feeling by the time I’m done.

I’ve been watching a “meme” make the rounds with very mixed emotions.

“Tell us seven lies about yourself!”

What fun, eh? Making stuff up, lying through your teeth, generating gales of laughter as you spin tales, each iteration more outrageous than the last.

I laughed along with you, reveling in your creativity. All of you, brilliant, and funnier than I’ll ever dream of being.

But that joy was tempered by a fear that you were laughing at me, that I’d been found out. Because as one lie leads to another and the web grows more and more complex, one is bound to slip up.

Then my worst fear came to pass, and I was “tagged” by Phydeaux to tell you some funny lies. Tagged by a good man I’ve never actually met, but who nonetheless has befriended me, or at least the “me” I’ve been presenting to you for the past eight months.

Phydeaux, my Phriend, I’m sorry. I never meant for things to get this far along without coming clean, without setting the record straight. But one thing lead to another, you know? And I got so tangled up in the lies that I was never able to find the stage door, to exit gracefully, to laugh it off and move on.

But I can’t lie any more. I feel I’ve hurt too many people, misused too many good souls who should never have been dragged down this muddy, muddled path. Fran, Lisa, Bob, and so many others – I’m sorry. I know in my heart that that’s an entirely insufficient offering for the betrayal of your collective trusts, but it’s all I can bring to the table at this point.

So now, for a change, finally, the truth:

I’m not a photographer, not by any stretch of the imagination. Not that I wouldn’t like to be, mind you; it’s just that I’m not. My little point-and-shoot shitbox camera is barely sufficient to take pictures of my dinners, many of which come from the Freezer Aisle of my local supermarket, BTW. Funny, isn’t it, how we turn our dreams into lies, and into someone else’s realities? So most of the photos I’ve been posting have come from sifting through Snap and Flickr and Photobucket sites, looking for plausible pictures and building story lines around them.

That was great fun for a while, but as some of you began to express your appreciation for “my” photographs, the pressure began to build, and my discomfort along with it. Before long I was confronted with the first of several “season changes,” and the need to find believable images to “document” my daily life.

And having “located” myself in Massachusetts ( a State which I actually did visit – once ) kept me hopping, with daily visits to “local” weather sites, major newspapers, even concert venues so I could claim to have done things there. Seriously, even without the wake-up call of being asked to lie, I was just getting more and more confused, trapped by the layers of deception and the awful feeling that I was betraying your trust.

I’ve asked myself often, over the past few months, why I did it. And I have no clear answers. How fucked up is that? How could I go this far wrong without understanding my own motives?

I do know that it had a lot to do with the fear of rejection, of not fitting in with this new community which I’d found. I like you people, I really do. And I didn’t have the strength to handle any more rejection than I’ve felt for the past twenty years (I’m presently 34.) Because you know, it’s not easy being Gay in a Red State.

That’s right. I finally said it. I finally came out, with the tears falling like rain on my keyboard. I’m owning it, because I owe you at least that much honesty in return for your kindness and your acceptance. I live in Alabama. I’m sorry.

So where do I go from here? How do I begin to make it right with you? This was starting to feel like a new home to me, a new family, even though most of you are white.

Oh yeah, that’s another thing. Those pictures of “me” – they’re actually this guy I’ve been seeing, Jorge. He was the initial inspiration for the name, The Cunning Runt. And he actually does have a cute ass, even though he’s all kinds of Catholic and won’t let me touch it. But at least he’s not hung up about the interracial thing.

Oh, My Friends – I can’t stop crying. I don’t deserve your understanding for any of this, and I wouldn’t blame you if none of you ever talked to me again. Really, in this world where all we have of each other is what we’re willing to share, I’ve betrayed you in a way which just can’t be justified.

So I’m not asking for your forgiveness, as I really don’t feel I deserve it. I’ll just ask you to remember me as The Cunning Runt, an interesting creation of a lonely black gay guy stuck in a small Southern town, surrounded by White Republicans, and wishing for friends like you.

No more lies.

Hector, The Cunning Runt.

Comments»

1. FranIAm - December 30, 2007

Hector! Don’t you know I love red-state-gays-with-disposable-cameras?

I for one won’t abandon you!!!

2. littlebangtheory - December 30, 2007

Thanks, Fran. I’ve been sitting here bawling my eyes out, wondering if I’d done the right thing by being straight with you all.

Your forbearance means a lot to me.

I love you.

Hector

3. Suzi Riot - December 30, 2007

Oh, TCR… er, I mean Hector. I just adore your Southern-fried gay ass.

4. littlebangtheory - December 30, 2007

Jorge will be pleased to hear that. I may get to see him after midnight mass on the 1st.

5. dcup - December 30, 2007

You’re in Alabama? I’ll be right over. We can drink mojitos and chat about men.

Will Jorge want to join us?

6. Phydeaux S - December 30, 2007

Bwahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, Hector, that was TEH FUNNY!!!!!

(btw, thanks for glossing over the fact that I’m really a 14yr old in Mongolia)

7. littlebangtheory - December 30, 2007

Not glossing it over, Phydeaux. It got me hot, but I’m in confessional mode here, and I needed to take it home.

And BTW, what’s “funny” about crying my eyes out for you guys??

8. littlebangtheory - December 30, 2007

And DCup, Jorge is playing hard-to-get, the little bastard. Says it’s a “Sacred Time Of Year,” and “He really shouldn’t.”

Those fuckin’ brown guys are gonna be the death of me!

9. Tengrain - December 30, 2007

I still want to cook with you, “Hector.” You’re aces with me, even when you lie. Sly dog.

Regards,

Tengrain

10. Freida Bee - December 30, 2007

Man, you are a little TOO good at that lying thing, Hector. This meme has me not knowing WHAT to believe anymore. Was that moth even REALLY staring wistfully into your kitchen window the other day? How could you do this?

11. littlebangtheory - December 30, 2007

Sorry to mislead you like that, Freida Bee. That was actually Jorge, but I Photo-Shopped him up pretty good. He’s little and fuzzy and looks good in green, so it was no big deal.

12. sherry - December 31, 2007

you really are a good writer. truly.

and no matter which is the truth. you are still my friend.

13. sherry - December 31, 2007

you do lie well tho. hummmm?

14. Paul (the Byziwhatsit) - December 31, 2007

Dayumn, you’re good. Hope Jorge puts out for you in the new year. You really had me going with the beaver shots.

15. littlebangtheory - December 31, 2007

😉

16. PortlyDyke - January 1, 2008

CR for the win — I’ve been reading a number of these meme-posts recently, and this one actually twisted my brain.

I was blessed with one kid who was a terrible liar (his ears would turn red — every.single.time) and one kid who was a fantastic liar (little shit). Now I have the question: Was #2 son your love child?

17. littlebangtheory - January 2, 2008

Well, I’m thinking that you would have to know the answer to that one, wouldn’t you, my friend? 😉

That literally was the hardest thing I ever wrote. I tried to start several times but couldn’t get the voice right. Then I sat long and quiet and assumed a different persona, the “confessional” one, and as I began to type I actually began to cry like a baby. It got so bad that I had to stop numerous times, mopping up my keyboard so I didn’t short it out. What a douche!

And then when I had the bulk of it down in print I was able to let go of that and laugh my ass off as I added the last ridiculous touches, with tears streaming down my face again for an entirely different reason!

Gawd that was fun! Too bad that kind of muse is so elusive to me! 😆

18. suzy - January 2, 2008

Are you going to change your avatar?

I have to say, I carry your essay “The Church of All That Exists” in one of my devotional books and take it to Quaker meeting with me, and it makes me tear up every time I read it. You’re a damn good writer.

And you’ve got a good eye for beautiful photos, so maybe you should get yourself a better camera and start taking your own pictures!

Truth is always the best. But it takes courage.

19. littlebangtheory - January 2, 2008

Should I change my avatar? I don’t have any pictures of a big black gay guy in a red state! 😆

My camera’s pretty decent, but I am looking to upgrade at some point (hopefully next year.) And I’ve only ever actually posted three photos here which I didn’t take; one of Barbara Feinstein, one of a garbage truck which I got off the web, and I think one other, but I don’t recall what it was right now.

Please, assume that anything in the “Truth” post was total baloney, as that was the point of the “Seven Lies” meme. I’d feel beter if you re-read it with that in mind!

But I’m seriously flattered that “The Church” resonated with you. No bullshit there, just a rare moment of clarity from the bottom of my heart. I wish that would happen more often, but I guess I just have to be grateful for what comes.

Thanks for reading me here Suzy. It’s occasionally worth it, though I mark a lot of time waiting for sentient thoughts to happen my way 😉

20. fairlane - January 3, 2008

CR,this is America. Lying is a virtue, remember?

The Catholic Church will be anointing you as a Saint in no time.

21. Mauigirl - January 3, 2008

This was great, CR – just realized I had missed it and read it today. I hope you are able to find happiness in Alabama with Jorge! 😉

22. Happy Birthday To Me! « Little Bang Theory - April 28, 2009

[…] a lot to say.  Most of it was  psychotic ravings of a socio-political nature.  Some of it was tongue-in-cheek humor.  Sometimes I made feeble attempts at […]


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