Happy New Year, Everybody! December 31, 2007Posted by littlebangtheory in Love and Death.
Tags: Happy New Year!
I’m off to a night of “Ringing in The New Year” with Frau B and Miz Lu(mina) at Hope and Olive, a great place to get some biscuits and gravy if you’re ever in ‘Bammy!
So in case I’m not back at The Appointed Time, I’ll say it now:
Have a safe and happy night, and let’s make the New Year one for the record books.
The Soup December 31, 2007Posted by littlebangtheory in Dinner with TCR.
Tags: soup, turkey
Well, what else would I do with that left-over turkey breast?
Turkey, veggies, some organic chicken broth, a generous handful of freshly dessicated herbs, and – voila!
Snowbound! December 31, 2007Posted by littlebangtheory in Art and Nature.
Tags: blanket, horse, river, snow
I woke this morning to a deep stillness, as though a heavy blanket wrapped the world.
Indeed, the night had brought a blanket of fresh snow. A look out my kitchen window showed my garden to be snuggled beneath a thick layer of Next Year’s Life.
Time to suit up, clean off the car and hit the road!
The Cold River seemed oddly warm in its new finery:
That one’s for you, Cuz.
As I drove through the muffled grayness, patches of blue scuttled by overhead and occasional wind squalls turned the trees’ burdens into sudden blizzards.
Feels like a good time to head home and make a big pot of soup!
Dinner With Hector December 31, 2007Posted by littlebangtheory in Dinner with TCR.
Tags: Miz Lu, pasta, stewed tomatoes
So I was hungry, and I looked in the fridge, and there was this pasta from a couple of days ago. Better eat that, I thought. Being laid off doesn’t lend itself to throwing away food.
So I popped open a jar of Miz Lu(mena)’s Totally Organic Stewed Tomatoes with Hot Peppers, Garlic and Basil and spooned some on my Spicy Red Pepper Linguine and went straight to heaven, without stopping at Death.
Friggin’ look at that. A little grated cheese on top and we’re having Groinal Spasms right there at the dinner table.
Thanks, Miz Lu!
The Truth December 30, 2007Posted by littlebangtheory in Love and Death.
Tags: lies, the awful truth, the need for your friendship
This feels like the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
In fact, as I write this, I don’t even know for certain that any of you good people will ever see it. I can’t say at this point if I’ll have the courage to hit “publish.” I guess we’ll see what comes out and how I’m feeling by the time I’m done.
I’ve been watching a “meme” make the rounds with very mixed emotions.
“Tell us seven lies about yourself!”
What fun, eh? Making stuff up, lying through your teeth, generating gales of laughter as you spin tales, each iteration more outrageous than the last.
I laughed along with you, reveling in your creativity. All of you, brilliant, and funnier than I’ll ever dream of being.
But that joy was tempered by a fear that you were laughing at me, that I’d been found out. Because as one lie leads to another and the web grows more and more complex, one is bound to slip up.
Then my worst fear came to pass, and I was “tagged” by Phydeaux to tell you some funny lies. Tagged by a good man I’ve never actually met, but who nonetheless has befriended me, or at least the “me” I’ve been presenting to you for the past eight months.
Phydeaux, my Phriend, I’m sorry. I never meant for things to get this far along without coming clean, without setting the record straight. But one thing lead to another, you know? And I got so tangled up in the lies that I was never able to find the stage door, to exit gracefully, to laugh it off and move on.
But I can’t lie any more. I feel I’ve hurt too many people, misused too many good souls who should never have been dragged down this muddy, muddled path. Fran, Lisa, Bob, and so many others – I’m sorry. I know in my heart that that’s an entirely insufficient offering for the betrayal of your collective trusts, but it’s all I can bring to the table at this point.
So now, for a change, finally, the truth:
I’m not a photographer, not by any stretch of the imagination. Not that I wouldn’t like to be, mind you; it’s just that I’m not. My little point-and-shoot shitbox camera is barely sufficient to take pictures of my dinners, many of which come from the Freezer Aisle of my local supermarket, BTW. Funny, isn’t it, how we turn our dreams into lies, and into someone else’s realities? So most of the photos I’ve been posting have come from sifting through Snap and Flickr and Photobucket sites, looking for plausible pictures and building story lines around them.
That was great fun for a while, but as some of you began to express your appreciation for “my” photographs, the pressure began to build, and my discomfort along with it. Before long I was confronted with the first of several “season changes,” and the need to find believable images to “document” my daily life.
And having “located” myself in Massachusetts ( a State which I actually did visit – once ) kept me hopping, with daily visits to “local” weather sites, major newspapers, even concert venues so I could claim to have done things there. Seriously, even without the wake-up call of being asked to lie, I was just getting more and more confused, trapped by the layers of deception and the awful feeling that I was betraying your trust.
I’ve asked myself often, over the past few months, why I did it. And I have no clear answers. How fucked up is that? How could I go this far wrong without understanding my own motives?
I do know that it had a lot to do with the fear of rejection, of not fitting in with this new community which I’d found. I like you people, I really do. And I didn’t have the strength to handle any more rejection than I’ve felt for the past twenty years (I’m presently 34.) Because you know, it’s not easy being Gay in a Red State.
That’s right. I finally said it. I finally came out, with the tears falling like rain on my keyboard. I’m owning it, because I owe you at least that much honesty in return for your kindness and your acceptance. I live in Alabama. I’m sorry.
So where do I go from here? How do I begin to make it right with you? This was starting to feel like a new home to me, a new family, even though most of you are white.
Oh yeah, that’s another thing. Those pictures of “me” – they’re actually this guy I’ve been seeing, Jorge. He was the initial inspiration for the name, The Cunning Runt. And he actually does have a cute ass, even though he’s all kinds of Catholic and won’t let me touch it. But at least he’s not hung up about the interracial thing.
Oh, My Friends – I can’t stop crying. I don’t deserve your understanding for any of this, and I wouldn’t blame you if none of you ever talked to me again. Really, in this world where all we have of each other is what we’re willing to share, I’ve betrayed you in a way which just can’t be justified.
So I’m not asking for your forgiveness, as I really don’t feel I deserve it. I’ll just ask you to remember me as The Cunning Runt, an interesting creation of a lonely black gay guy stuck in a small Southern town, surrounded by White Republicans, and wishing for friends like you.
No more lies.
Hector, The Cunning Runt.
You Deserve This. December 30, 2007Posted by littlebangtheory in music.
Tags: art of noise, max headroom
You, my friends, deserve this. Because The Art Of Noise kicks ass and because Max Headroom Rulz the Universe!
H/T to Randal for reminding me!
Sentinals December 30, 2007Posted by littlebangtheory in poetry.
Tags: fields, hunters, The Inevitable
Here we stand,
Watching the corn grow,
Watching the grass grow,
Watching the Hunters curse
As flocks of birds rise, circle,
And disappear over the horizon,
Always in the wrong place, at the wrong time.
Is this why we wait?
Is this what we stand for?
Tell me there is more.
Tell me there is a reason
Why we stand here,
Other than to bear witness
To the inevitable.
An Illustrated Apology December 29, 2007Posted by littlebangtheory in Art and Nature, Love and Death.
Tags: anguish, clouds, despair, fields of dreams
There are times when I wake, roll over, and find myself facing A Wall.
I sit up and rub my eyes. I blink. I try to re-focus. But it’s still there.
I stand, bend, stretch, stand again. I turn slowly through a 360, looking for a door, a gate, a window.
It’s a monochrome wall, compact, featureless. No cracks, no edges. No way to scale it. No way around it. Nothing in here but me.
I dress inside My Wall, drink some coffee, grab my camera and hit The Road. Perhaps I’ll find an archway, a link to the outside.
Or perhaps not.
Maybe I’ll just drive around taking pictures of The World Outside. Maybe I’ll see some measure of beauty which will heal my soul. Maybe I’ll find a way to understand The Beautiful Hell in which we live.
For some time now, words have failed me. I have the sense that I know something which no one should have to know. It’s like I’m writing an Important Message in the low-tide sands with the side of my foot, trying to communicate with a distant future which will never even know I tried.
For what it’s worth, here are a few images of what I saw today.
I’m sorry. I know there’s work to be done, but sometimes I just can’t do it.
I guess this is just one of those times.
Some Recent Images December 27, 2007Posted by littlebangtheory in Art and Nature.
Tags: mid-day clouds, morning light, steeple
It’s a gray and drizzly day here in Massachusetts, with temps hovering just below freezing. So I spent a while this morning going through the files and finding a few shots which I haven’t shared yet.
Here’s one of a recent morning in my valley:
A mid-day trip up to the hills, where low clouds rolled in to steal the rainbow from the landscape
And a peaceful evening coming on:
Hope you’re all having a fine day as we head toward the last weekend of the year!
Benazir Bhutto Killed December 27, 2007Posted by littlebangtheory in Politics and Society.
Tags: Bhutto, fellatio, hegemony, privatization
Well, they did it. They killed Ms. Bhutto.
I’m not even going to guess at this point which group of homicidal maniacs will claim responsibility for this gun attack/suicide bombing, or murkier still, what international entanglements might be at work behind the public face of this next step along the Road to Hell.
And I’m not going to claim that the Former First Female Prime Minister of an Islamic Country was all virtue and light – indeed, she spent some years in “self-imposed exile” (read: “on the lamb”) because of corruption charges which were probably politically motivated but based to some degree in the reality of that Region’s political culture.
But I’m extremely uncomfortable knowing that there are plenty of powerful and well-financed individuals and organizations in this Country who would be thrilled to see the Middle East collapse into chaos and ruin, a void which will need to be filled by “right-thinking” people and institutions, rebuilt by Multinational Mega-Corporations, and that will be financed, of course, by the “privatization” (read: “selling off”) of everything from oil to air.
What a sickening feeling it is to not trust My Own Government to not have had a hand in this latest mess. I’m not suggesting a direct hand, but rather the causative poison of an ongoing campaign of escalating militarism, ideological divisiveness, blundered “diplomacy” and overt support for any vicious dictator who will fellate our Corporate Pride.
By our being in bed with Musharraf, the House of Saud and any other homicidal scum who will do “our” bidding, we give weight and rectitude to any movements which opposes our unabashed hegemony.
My sincere condolences go out to Ms. Bhutto’s family, and to her supporters who hoped to move a bit closer to the democratic ideals of civilian rule in Pakistan.