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Left Behind, My Ass! October 23, 2007

Posted by littlebangtheory in Politics and Society.
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Prepare to be Raptured.

You know… Raptured. As in “Taken bodily up to heaven.” Zoomed right up, all naked and shit, ’cause you won’t need your clothes up there. It’s not too hot, not too cold, it’s just right!

Well, not all of you, of course. ‘Cause some of you been bad, real bad. And only Good People get Raptured up to heaven. True Believers and all. Says so in The Bible.

Well, not exactly in The Bible… but it’s in a book somewhere, so you know it’s true. In fact it’s in a BUNCH o’ books. At last count, well over sixty-five million of ’em. “Left Behind,**” they’re called.

(** At this point I should probably put a little “Parental Advisory” in here for those of you who are reading this at work. Especially if you have a Self-Loathing Full-Blown Bitch for a boss. The title of this post ought to give those of you who know me ample warning… scroll slowly, if you dare scroll at all! ‘Nuff Said.)

Now where was I… Oh yeah, 65,000,000 books, each likely purchased for a Good Christian Household, and since you know how those people are, we can safely multiply them books by, oh, about 8.2 kids per household, which brings us to, lemme see… five hundred thirty-three million people. Yup, five hundred thirty-three million people who, if they play their cards right, keep their pants on (’till they’re Raptured) and don’t talk to faggits, stand a pretty reasonable chance of getting Raptured up to Jesus, warts and all, but not with their clothes, because remember, they won’t need ’em.

Five Hundred Thirty-Five MILLION people, zoomin’ up to Heaven. Bet they’re gonna cast a shadow that’ll make your crops wilt!

And all of the Bad People will be left behind, just like the book title says. And all the Mother Rapers and the Father Stabbers and the Jews and the Faggits and the Lesbos and the Muslamofascists and the Filthy Hippies will be screamin’ and cryin’ and fightin’ over the Armani suits that the preachers in them Mega-Churches slithered out of on their way up to Heaven, and pickin’ up Gucci shoes and Rolex watches, which hopefully fell into the Gucci shoes when they greased off the Rapturin’ Preachers but probably didn’t because nobody who gets Left Behind is gonna be all that lucky, and they’ll be doin’ Gawd Awful things to each other and wishin’ to hell they’d kept their pants on and went to church a whole lot more.

And THAT’S what the stories in the “Left Behind” books are really about, the blood and guts, crash-and-burn part of the equation, ’cause you know, if they were about happy people floating around on clouds wearin’ nothin’ but shit-eatin’ grins, that would get boring real quick, and nobody would read ’em.

Plus, Good Christians aren’t into that peace crap. Peace is gay.


OK, so lets all try to turn off our Frontal Lobes for a minute here, suspend our disbelief, and buy into this Rapture scene. If you got Fox News at your house, turning it on kinda low in the background might help.

Now I’m lookin’ around (yeah, that’s right, ME. I’m still here, on accounta I’m a sinner. I’ve lied, I stole shit (once,) I coveted me some fine lookin’ little milfs, and if I stick aroung long enough I’ll probably covet me some gilfs, too! Hell, I even killed shit, if fish and frogs and flies count. And I can’t see how they wouldn’t.)

Hey, don’t look at me like that – you’re still here too!

So anyway, I’m lookin’ around, and besides YOU, I see most of my friends (awl riiiight!) and some hot lookin’ women I don’t know yet but you can bet I’m gonna, and there’s them Armani suits with the preachers still in ’em, and that Self-Loathing Bitch in the black dress with the front caved in, and she’s cryin’ ’cause she’s up to her flat ass in Birkenstocks and tie-died shirts that smell like B.O. and peasant skirts that smell like pussy and pachouli oil, ’cause all them mellowed-out squinty-eyed Peace-nik Hippies got Raptured and she didn’t, and my friends and me are tearin’ at the pile and findin’ all them cute little floral hippy backpacks and pullin’ out the bags of weed and the teakwood pipes and screamin’ and hootin’ and yellin’






1. Phydeaux - October 23, 2007

Nakedidity! (as Radar O’Reilly would say) Fuck, the last thing I expected to see was your sexy nekkid bum. Not the kind of “nature photos” I’m collecting….

I’ll be gettin’ a lot of good shit after the Rapture, cause Billy (and Franklin) Graham live over in Black Mountain (just down the road a few miles)… and Warren Wilson College (one of them no-grades-just-go-to-class colleges… meaning full o’ Peace lovin’ Hippie Phreaks) is right next door to Billy’s.

So I’ll have Rolexes and Beemers andkiller doobage in piles!


2. DCup - October 23, 2007

Cunning Runt – You make this rapture thing sound not half bad after all. I’ll be heppin’ myself to an aeroplane iffin I can find me another sinner who knows how to fly one.

I’d travel the world to see the rest of the sinners and the beautiful and the terrible sites.

And hey! Smaller crowds! Fewer people to get in the way of my pitcher takin’.

‘Course ya know my sin, dontcha?

After that picture (insert ooh la lah soundbite here!)……..yep. It’s lust. Pure lust.

Nice nakey butt!

3. sherry - October 23, 2007

oh, i LOVED this! too great! ; )

4. beatgrl - October 24, 2007

All of us sinners are going to have a mighty fine time after the rapture 🙂

5. littlebangtheory - October 24, 2007

‘Taint a “butt,” Ladies…
It’s my Left Behind!

6. Frau Biergut - October 24, 2007

Praise be to Dog, I’ma goin’ ta Zion! Really, I am. In 2 weeks. In a airplane and a Jeep. I’ll take pitchers. I’ll even update THE BLOG from Zion National Pahk.


7. boxer rebel - October 24, 2007

I am right there with you CR. Phy when the rapture happens i am heading your way, i figure traffic will be pretty light and the cops around wouldn’t care if i speed. i visitec warren wilson and you ain’t kidding about the hippieness about that place.

8. littlebangtheory - October 24, 2007

Frau B, that’s my kind o’ Rapture!!!   Zoomin’ off to Zion with no clo…

…say what? “Different Zion??”…


9. Jennifer - October 24, 2007

I have to admit, I didn’t really take the “scroll slowly, if you dare scroll at all!” business very seriously. I figured, whatever Cunning has to say, I’ve probably heard Cunning (or someone else) say it before, and as colorfully.

Wasn’t counting on Cunning getting cheeky tho. Nope, wasn’t counting on that a-tall.

Also wasn’t counting on the “Snap” preview offering “gossamer” “dresses” and “tomatoes” as alternate search terms.

*Wanders off, scratching head*

10. FranIAm - October 24, 2007

Talk about photos that stop my beating heart! Oh CR. I am rethinking any get together with you, me and the Mr. He must be left behind for this one. Uh oh and this only 6 months into the marriage.

Great post. I actually have so many comments on this topic that I may have to write my own post about it.

Nothing gets my Christian blood boiling more than this rapture bullshit.

Fine I say- go, be gone losers. We will be happy to be left with nothing but the empty piles of clothes that were once you conservo-wingnuts.

And the pile of clothes at CR’s feet…

I am so bad! Which, I think is so good!

11. fairlane - October 24, 2007

I’m confused by this “Rapture” business. The assholes are taken away, and the rest of us are left behind? So, where’s the “bad” part in the deal?

This sounds like the rare, but oft sought after “Win/Win” situation.

People thought my apartment resembled a brothel before, shit, they ain’t seen nothing yet.

12. littlebangtheory - October 25, 2007

If I understood the memo, the Good People of God will get nekked and fly away and the Bad People o’ Da Debbil will stay here and fight the Battle of Armageddon, which we’ll all lose, or something.

But given the general character of the dolts who are prophesying this Final Solution, I’m pretty sure I don’t wanna go!

13. FranIAm - October 25, 2007

Listen CR, I actually am a practicing Christian and trust me-
I am not going anywhere with those asshats! I have the feeling that they will not at all like where they end up, but hey, they won’t be up our asses any longer. And what could be wrong with that?

Ummm… nothing. Nothing is wrong with that. See y’all at the afterparty.

14. BAC - October 30, 2007

… by cracky, I think you’re on to something here!!


15. Jeff - March 2, 2008

Would it be impolite of me to be a promotional whore and advise a website? Left Behind: A Journal of Shock Literature? I was searching around to see if there is anyone googelable that had said anything yet. It is still to early though, I just put the website up about two weeks ago and it just got listed on DEMOZ.

16. ashley - November 10, 2013

The rapture theory is not biblical. That word doesnt exsit in the bible.

littlebangtheory - November 11, 2013

Thanks, Ashley, for the clarification. I don’t spend much time reading fiction, so wouldn’t have known that without your kind input…

Nonetheless, I’m standing behind the general gist of my revery, as it depicts my view of good and evil, the pious and the profane. Those who scream the loudest about Biblical morality generally seem to have their heads the farthest up their asses.

BTW, this blog has been in a coma since way back when, though I try always to respond to any late comments I might get.

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